Shipshape and bristling fashion

There was a single day at the beginning of this month when 11,566 cruise passengers disembarked in Malaga. Let's face it, that's a mighty big number of people in baseball caps to be dawdling around town with their hands clasped behind their backs staring upwards at nothing in particular.

Of all holiday choices, with the honourable and obvious exception of wild camping in the Cairngorms, taking a cruise would almost certainly be the one I'd least like to get involved in. And yet I must surely be missing something here because approximately 34.6 million people - equivalent to the entire population of Peru - took a cruise in 2024, which makes them a very popular holiday choice indeed.

So, it's time I ditched my prejudices and tried to identify the positive points with regard to being trapped on a boat in the middle of the ocean with hundreds of people in ill-fitting shorts.

First, if you have a really stressful job - like serving people on a cruise ship, for example - you can switch off entirely because everything is designed for your ease and comfort. The biggest decision you'll need to make is whether to have the salmon or the macaroni cheese - and that's just choosing the colour of your cabin.

Also, there's a veritable smorgasbord of entertainment laid on every evening, often, as I understand it, including a magician or two. I've always loved magicians, so that'd be me sorted, chomping on a plate of salmon watching The Great Smithofski deftly steal some poor sap's wallet with the whole crowd in on the fun and games except for the victim. (It was a long time ago and I'm almost over it, ok?).

Next is the bit I've never really understood but I'm hoping to be enlightened - stopping off at the various ports en route. How does this actually work? It seems that you disembark with loads of other people, walk into town en masse, get your ear drums perforated by the tutting of the locals trying to get to work, buy a souvenir ashtray/keyring and then scamper back to the ship for a shower and some macaroni cheese. That's how it's always looked from the outside anyway, but maybe it's the opposite and highly enjoyable - a chance to get a flavour of a wide variety of cities in a very short space of time. I wonder if they do one-stop, one-night taster cruises for people who have their doubts.

Finally, quoits. Surely, it must be obligatory for all cruise ships to be equipped with endless sets of quoits and if it is, then count me in, all is forgiven. There's something wistfully romantic about the idea of throwing loops at sticks on a rolling sea, comparing ashtrays and wondering where you left your wallet.

Right, that's it, I'm convinced. I'll take a one-stop, one-night taster cruise to start with - let's make it in Malaga, though, just in case I need to make a swift exit.

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